Warning: mentions of eating disorder, crap ton of dysphoria/dysmorphia, bad mental health, I have no idea if I’m allowed to vent about eating disorder stuff but tell me if I’m not
Why is eating so hard?
I just…can’t. When I eat my brain feeds me a bunch of images of growing fat like a balloon and it increasing the size of my breasts.
I can eat in front of other people. But alone it’s really hard. Liquids are basically sustaining me at this point.
It’s so…exhausting. It’s already so hard because the stress of just simply living life is crushing. I don’t need a ton of mental issues added along with that.
I look fine on the outside. My weight is normal. But inside, I’m starting to lose a hold on what reality feels like. I’m just walking and performing actions mechanically, occasionally acting happy so my friends and family won’t get worried. That’s probably a cause for concern.
There’s a voice in my head that’s different from my usual mental train of thought. It tells me what I can eat, how much I should eat, and stuff like that. Whenever I’m eating, mental chaos ensues as common sense battles the fear of gaining weight.
What I’m saying doesn’t make sense, does it? I try to look at everything logically. But the voice adapts so what it’s saying seems logical but really isn’t.
I’m just…exhausted. Of everything.
