I'm so confused if I'm female-to-male or not…
I consider my birth sex AFAB, because that's what it is, but I consider my cisgender identity as a binary man even though logically, it would be transgender, not cisgender. I keep forgetting I'm AFAB and genuinely believe my body is a cisgender man for a second before I have to manually remember I'm AFAB and look AFAB. I hate everything that comes with AFAB secondary/puberty traits and wish I could just remove my breasts and womb. I want to look like some random, average man you wouldn't think twice about, or a grunge twink. That's my 'gym' goals (even though this 'gym' would take hrt and lots of masculinization surgeries), and I keep having recurring dreams where I'm female to male and going on a transition journey.
It's a bit hard to describe, but the closest I can describe it is akin to a general grunge aesthetic, a slender and petite body, no breasts, very androgynous, softer features, but so androgynous yet masculine at the same time that people can't tell if I'm a boy or girl while being male-aligned in a way. Idk...
But I don't think I'm transgender because I'm not as binary FtM or MtF like everyone else. Usually (not always) the people that transition are a binary gender and match their outsides to their insides, but that's not really me, even though it's kind of me??? Like, if I were to transition, it would be for the most demiboy and androgynous reason on the planet, not really a gender binary man, but at the same time, I'm okay with my AFAB body? But also not because it's a huge inconvenience that makes everything so much harder for no payoff whatsoever.
My experience isn't binary, but I wouldn't call myself non-binary because I sorta fit with masculinity but not in a clean way that makes any sense…
IDK… I'm just so confused. I just need a 3rd POV on this to bluntly tell me if I am or not because I'm too autistic to decipher what people say.
— Raymond (he/him)
