TW: dysphoria, mentions of genitalia by nameI'm having gender dysphoria and I don't even know why. I'm just so insanely dissatisfied with my external appearance. But there's nothing for me to transition into. I don't want to be male or female.
I'm just dissatisfied with the body I was born with. This body isn't ME. But there's nothing for me to transition into. I don't want a penis and I don't want a vagina. So I'm stuck being forced to be my birth sex, which makes me unhappy.
I want my outside identity to match my inside identity but that's so hard when I'm non-binary + other xenogenders. My gender identity is defined by color xenogenders and aesthetics. The aesthetic part is easy, I can just look grunge, that's a goal I'm working hard for. But how do I match my body's genitalia to… color… it's impossible! I hate my birth genitalia.
I'm interested in bottom and top surgery, but that's not something I would personally do. Especially since it's irreversible. So I'm stuck having dysphoria for my breasts and vagina.
I feel like all forms of FtM/masculinization surgeries wouldn't make me happy in the long run. So I decided I won't do it. But I'm dissatisfied with what I currently have… I don't know what to do… I feel like crap.
Everything that comes with being a female is something I don't want. The societal roles, the expectations, the bodily functions, the genitalia, the outward presentation. I don't want this. But I don't want to be male either.
I don't know what I want. I just don't want what's available.
— Mauze (vi/vir/virs)
