I am AFAB, and I currently go by any pronouns. I really have no idea what my gender is, but I want at least one label so that I can put what I feel into words. What I'm about to write is kind of just an info dump of what I've been feeling over the past month. Also, potential trigger warning for descriptions of the body parts that differentiate the sexes, and Christianity/religion.
I present kind of female, I guess? I own feminine shirts, I have longer/feminine hair, and I have large breasts which I don't try to hide, all of my own volition. I wear mascara sometimes, and I occasionally dress super fancy with flowy dresses adorned with plastic gems, but I don't do it because it's feminine, I just want to look nice, both for myself and for society's standards. I have very Christian parents who force me to attend church twice every week, and force me to wear a skirt/dress every time. I hate wearing skirts 95% of the time, and I'm not entirely sure why. I like wearing pants, and would only wear those if I had the choice.
I'm fine with being referred to as 'a girl' or 'she/her', but 'female' sounds gross to me. I really don't care how other people refer to me besides that, though. I have some qualms about being referred to as a man, but it wouldn't bother me that much.
Whenever I take a 'for fun' quiz, and it asks me to choose my gender, I always hesitate. I end up choosing woman almost every time, though.
Even as a young child, I've wanted to have been born in a male body (specifically have a penis), but I don't think it's because I have a masculine gender. I just generally think that life would be more interesting/fun/easy if I was born a man. However, my ideal body would be to have no genitalia or breasts. Recently, I've started to hate my breasts and vagina, but I'm not sure if it's because I don't like my body in general, or if it's due to gender identity.
I hate how everything on society is based on/separated by gender. It creates unnecessary divides between cis girls and boys, and unfairly forces nonconforming people to choose one or the other.
I've recently been taking a lot of gender quizzes, but none of them give me a good answer. I've gotten agender multiple times, but I've tried the label before, and it doesn't feel quite right. I've also gotten genderfluid a handful of times, which I only slightly identify with. My gender seems to move and rearrange itself, but I have no idea how to identify how it moves, or where it goes.
I try to avoid using gendered language as much as possible. I make characters/OCs, and I avoid having to gender them for as long as possible.
I'm really not sure which parts of me I would identify as male or female, man or woman, boy or girl. I know that there's a difference, but I'm not completely sure what it is, or if I even have either of them in the first place. But saying that I don't have a gender sounds wrong and sends me into a little bit of a panic. I feel like I have gender in some capacity, but also not.
In the past, I've identified as cisgenderless, a demigirl (and other feminine agender genders), and I've considered being gendervoid, but nothing has sticked for very long.
Also, whenever I feel gender envy, I feel it towards fictional men, such as Bezel from Chikn Nuggit, or Bill Cipher from Gravity Falls.
That's most of my feelings that have been springing up over the last 3-4 weeks. If you think you know what's going on, please give me some help! If you think multiple gender identities could fit, list as many as you can. I will feel so much better when I have something to describe how I'm feeling. I appreciate any advice and help!