Coming out, or "coming out of the closet," is generally defined as when a queer individual "comes out" and expresses their identity to their peers, which could include friends, family members, colleagues, or other forms of social units.
Coming out can be a scary process, even if the person they wish to express themselves to is a member or an ally of the LGBTQ+ community. This page lists some coming out tips, resources, and some do's and don'ts'. But while reading, remember, that there is no right or wrong way to come out; come out in whatever way(s) will work for you!
Of you're looking to come out to teachers and/or at school, you may also want to refer to our Coming Out at School page.
Sensory warning: Bold text is used frequently on this page.
When to Stay Closeted (Don'ts)[]
Below are some situations when you should not come out (don'ts):
- When coming out would put you in a dangerous situation. If telling your parents that you're gay or trans might result in you being kicked out of your home (without another plan for where to go), being physically or emotionally harmed, or being put into any other form of danger, than you should not come out.
- When you are not ready. There is no reason why you ever have come out to anyone. Your identity is your business, and third parties do not need to know or be a part of it. Don't come out until you know you are ready.
- When it is the wrong time or place. Coming out to someone when they are upset with you or during a hard time for you or them can lead to a worse response.
Methods (Do's)[]
Below are some potential methods (do's) that can be utilized when coming out. For any method, when applicable, make sure to include your new name, pronouns, and any other changes you would like to make. It's also important to note that, sometimes, the way you come out to someone may influence their reaction; for example, someone may find it rude to have you come out over text if they prefer to have in-person conversations.
- Come out in person. Many people choose to have a talk with the person they're coming out to face-to-face.
- You may choose to come prepared with a script/outline for what you want to say.
- If you have a friend or someone you're close to who you're already out to, you may want to practice first with them.
- Video or phone call. This may be ideal for using a script but still speaking directly to the person, if you'd prefer not to read off a paper in person.
- May not come across as rude the way a text might, but still be slightly less stressful than coming out in person.
- Write a letter. You can use pencil and paper or an online document, which could be shared with multiple people.
- This method may be easiest to explain your identity without necessarily speaking, especially if there are multiple labels you're coming out to the person with.
- Depending on how much the person knows about the LGBTQ+ community already and lengthy you want the letter to be, you can give brief descriptions of your labels or go into detail; the choice is yours.
- Write a text or e-mail. You can use one lengthy text/e-mail or a chain of (possibly pre-written) ones, depending on how you prefer to communicate.
- Depending on the person and how they may take the news, you may want to add that you don't mean to be rude by using text, and/or that this is important to you.
- Some people simply choose to send (possibly a link to) a meme, video, or coming out song to come out over text.
- Use social media. Social media can be especially helpful if you're planning on coming out to a group of people at once.
- Similarly to in texting, you may choose to link to a coming out video/song/meme.
Miscellaneous Tips[]
Below is a list of important tips to be noted when you're coming out to someone.
- If worst comes to worst, be sure to have some sort of back-up plan, preferably involving a third party who already knows (such as a friend or a family member) to help you if they react badly.
- Don't try to rush yourself, or anyone else. Even if you are eager to come out, the process can still be a bit lengthy, and that length is often necessary. Take as much time as you need to prepare yourself.
- Remember that it can be difficult for others to adjust after you come out, especially if you've known them for a long time. Give them a little time to get used to the real you.
- Create a script or plan for when you come out, if you plan on doing it over a call or in person. Be sure to include a description of the identity you are disclosing.
- Check if the person you plan on coming out to is supportive of the LGBTQ+ community or not. This can often be put into casual conversation, such as asking someone whether or not they think it's okay to be gay/trans/etc.
- Plan to have some links or resources to show the person you're coming out to if they want more information or don't understand, especially if they aren't already a part of the LGBTQ+ community.